Home

I've struggled over the last few years with the concept of "Home". I love the town I grew up in. I love the scenery, the seasons, the places and of course the people that are related to it. Mountains, cool breezes, perfect views and peaceful rivers, my family and old friends. I left all that a few years ago to come out to "the flat land" and go to school. I really feel like during school is really when I found myself. I found more of me here, in this place, than anywhere else I had been. When I finished school, I prayed and prayed and prayed and felt that I should stay here and look for a job. Even though I felt more "me" here, I still called "Home" my mountain home. I did the right thing to stay here. God has been very faithful to me here and I even met my husband at my first job here in town. Then I got married and I call two places "home"... I figured one is wherever my husband is and one is my mountain family home.

Over the weekend I travelled home (to my mom's) for a family function with a friend. It's my favorite time of year there. Fall! Nice cool breezes, you can wear your t-shirt and jeans and be comfortable. There are apples and leaves starting to change colors. It hit me that I really missed there sometimes. I was very content on Sunday afternoon to just sit and be in Mama's living room while everyone was out for a drive. I had a moment I don't get very often anymore, even in Greenville, an hour alone in the house.

My mind had been unsettled in the week before I came to visit. I had it on my heart to do a Bible study at a local half way house. After fighting the urge for at least 2 months, I had gone to visit the house and the girls before I was to start the study there this week. I felt miserable. When I left there, I felt so discouraged. I felt like a pompous, overzealous, hypocrite...."the whitest white girl ever" is one way to put it. No, the girls were not all different races, the majority were white like me, but I just felt out of my zone, out of place. I had walked in in my work clothes (professional attire) and carrying my Vera Bradley bag. Did it matter at that point that I bought my Vera in a "retirement sale" for 40% off? Not really... all I felt in my heart is that I was rubbing in their faces that I had enough money for a Vera. I felt my confidence (in me, personally and also in my "call" to be there) starting to drift. I was starting to doubt. I started to wonder what in the world I was going to have in common with these women and why they would EVER listen to me. It was a tough week and I'm not the best at making extra time to pray for things. I was disappointed when my own Bible study that I attend, which was scheduled for a prayer night, had to cancel. So, to find a free hour, alone in my mom's house to ask God why I felt such unease in the halfway house was a true blessing.

I asked, "Why am I there, Lord? What purpose do you have for me there? It definitely wasn't comfortable. How am I going to get comfortable?" God never ceases to amaze me.... as much as I continued to try and ask questions, the louder I heard in my head a worship song I truly love. It was overwhelming, so eventually, I started to hum the song and sing it in my head, recalling the words....

"Into your courts I run with praises flowing from my heart, every day I live to sing your song, it's the anthem of my life. I want to spend my days in your presence Lord and bow before your throne. In the house of God is where I find my peace, it's where I find my...HOME is heaven, one day Lord I will live. In your courts, you'll find me, in worship at your feet. Hide me now, in the shadows of your wings, where I will be...where I will be.." (Thank you Marty Sampson and Hillsong!)

I just sat there and basked in the glory... I felt the presence of God and it was all I could do to not come undone... what a sweet moment. Thank you Lord for the opportunity to serve you. It doesn't matter where I go. If God goes with me, it may as well be Home. I can have that same peace I had in my mama's living room at the halfway house if I look for God there and stop looking for "me" there. It's not what I'm going to do there. It's what God is trying to do there. I hope I can always remember to look for God, but, knowing the my nature, I'll have to learn this lesson again.