I was feeling fat, miserable and tired over the past weekend after doing some shopping with my mom and eating at the Olive Garden. When I got home, I desperately wanted nothing more than to get out of my jeans and into my PJ's! But, nonetheless, I was trying to go to fast and I got my jeans stuck down around my feet. I couldn't get them off. I was laughing to myself about this situation and I thought, "Yep, here I am, stuck in my jeans."
I go through these moments, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, of feeling bad about myself. Not who I am deep down, but who I am on the outside and how the 2 match up. I struggle with my weight. I have struggled with it pretty much my entire life. When I think about dieting and such, I always think of my Grandma Ruth who seemed to be eternally on Weight Watchers and I think, "Well, it's just my genes."
You know what, I'm tired of being stuck in my GENES. My dad yo-yo's weight, my mom, stepmom, sister.... me? I'm just big and stay big. But either way, I'm still stuck in my ways. Bad habits that don't ever seem to change. I think about it sometimes when I'm on the way to the halfway house to lead the women in a recovery home for addictions how they must feel when they look at me... clearly addicted myself and stuck in a habit/comfort that I have no true desire to escape from. If I had a true desire, then I would have changed it by now.
Here is my crazy internal dialogue: "I want to lose 60 lbs (well, 80 after going to the doctor this week and facing his scales).. I'm going to start on Monday morning by getting up early before work to go for a brisk walk... 60 lbs is a lot, maybe I should just try 30... But it's so much work to take weight off... I could do it if someone would do it with me... maybe if I joined a gym?... today is just too busy to go for a walk... i can do it on Monday, but Tuesday I have conference at 7a.m. and then a full day of clinic/charts... have you felt the temperature outside at 5:30A?... it's even getting cooler/darker early in the evening... Harley (big neighborhood dog) lives down there, I had better cut that walk short to avoid him... I'll just do a video in the house... what if Robbie sees me?... Who has $40/month for Weight Watchers and $30 a month for a gym membership?... I just feel silly..."
But outside, I just look silly. Inside, I feel confident and tough in most situations, most days. When I think of how I look (even when I dream) I don't see the "fat" me. I only see "me". I've done this for 31 years (probably 21 of which I have been aware of my weight/appearance). Now I'm married and we're thinking about having kids. I don't want to worry about diabetes or living long enough to see my kids graduate from high school. I don't want to pack on 50 lbs of pregnancy weight and have no idea what to do with it. Chinese food can not be good for pregnant people.... just one more thing to give up when the time comes. I don't want my kids to pick up the same habits that I have taken upon myself. It's a curse that I don't want them to ever know or battle.
Exodus 34:5-9
Then the Lord came down in a cloud and stood there with him and proclaimed his name, the Lord. And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation." Moses bowed to the ground at once and worshiped. "O Lord, if I have found favor in your eyes," he said, "then let the Lord go with us. Although this is a stiff-necked people, forgive our wickedness and our sin, and take us as your inheritance."Frankly, I'm tired of it. I'm ready to break my curse. It's a sin of gluttony and laziness I have wrapped around myself for years. Please, Lord, forgive me for my ignorance, for ignoring my own addictions, for using food to comfort me when YOU ALONE are my comfort. You keep telling me, "My grace is suffient for you" and maybe now I'm just catching on! Help me to recognize the bad patterns and habits in my life and give me the strength to overpower them. Help me to find YOU as the easiest choice/place to go when I have issues. Praise you Lord, for your infinite wisdom and power. You have me in the palm of your hand, Lord. Help me never to forget that you are with me.
I am asking/praying publicly for God's support. That's all it takes. His part will be taken care of. He will be there for me. I wholeheartedly believe that. But, I don't want to let him down. It's a 2 way street. He will be there for me, but I have to make the choices to reach out for him and not brownies. Maybe with your help/support, knowing you guys are reading and watching me, I can stay accountable and really follow through. It will be hard with the holidays coming (I mean, have you eaten at my Mom's house? Mama can COOK! There are endless goodies when I go to family's houses, not to mention Robbie's mom!). But I want a change. I need a change. There is no pill that can help (before you fight me on this, it might help for a few months, but unless I change my ways, I'll gain it back and then some). There is no person that can change me. There is no product I can buy that will clean me up like a virus scan and take out all the bugs. The only thing I can do is vow to make a change and follow through. The only way I can do that is with God on my side, some very earnest prayer and some awesome prayer partners to help me in this battle!!!
Mary, the mother of Jesus, in her "magnificat" says about the nature of God, "My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on, generations will call me blessed, for the mighty one has done great things for me--holy is his name. His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation." (Luke 1: 46-50) If I can get this under control with the help of God, break this nasty tradition of sorts, then I can share that mercy with my children and hopefully they could take it to their children.
I can't be the only one dealing with my "genes". What pattern are you stuck in? Unhealthy lifestyle like me? Unhealthy relationships? Unhealthy med uses? Misuses of alcohol or using cigarettes to sway your anxiety? Food, drugs, sex, false intimacy, alcohol, cigarettes, TV addiction, movies/fantasies... none of them will make you feel better. If you want a true change, cry out to God. He alone is the breaker of generational issues. The only one who can restore you back to who you are on the inside.
Psalm 145: 2-7
Every day I will praise you
and extol your name for ever and ever.
Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
his greatness no one can fathom.
One generation will commend your works to another;
they will tell of your mighty acts.
They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and I will meditate on your wonderful works.
They will tell of the power of your awesome works,
and I will proclaim your great deeds.
They will celebrate your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of your righteousness.
Click here to read all of Psalm 145 (I highly recommend it) Thank you (in advance) for your prayer and support. I'll keep you posted on how things go.
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