love dares

So, it's official, I am totally out of the loop and behind the times in the Christian world.  It took me this long to see the movie Fireproof.  Here's what's so funny about that: 

Last week, I was browsing CBD (online christian bookseller) and looking at bestsellers.  I came across this book called "The Love Dare"... it's coming up on Valentine's day, I'm on a Christian website, so I'm tempted.  I gotta know what it's about.  CBD has this thing where you can read excerpts from books. Like an entire chapter before you buy.  So, I tried it out and I nearly cracked up the whole first chapter.  It was on patience.... ahhh, patience... that thing I don't really have so much of.  

I have a tendency to have something my sister and I have affectionately dubbed, "tone issues".  I will be fine, happy even, joking one minute.. and the next, it's hard to know if I'm really mad at you, very tired or just have "tone issues". Things come out bad (abrupt, a harsh tone), but I don't usually mean it. Sometimes everything I say comes out in that tone. (If I'm talking with my sister, she'll say, "Are you mad with me or do you just have "tone" today?"  That little term has helped my sister and I overcome a lot of issues with each other.  I'm also prone to apologize a lot, but I know that it's hard to take something back once it's been said.  The first dare from that chapter is to, essentially, hold your tongue.  If you can't say something nice, don't say anything.  Nothing. hahahahahah.  I broke out in rolling laughter.  That got Robbie going asking what had me so tickled and stuff. I read the chapter to him... he also busted out in laughter... then he dared me.  He said, "You couldn't do it."  That was it, I was in! 

Per the book, you are supposed to do the dares for 1 day, 24 hours, but he wanted to take it farther. He said I might not even make it a few hours.  Then he added a twist. He said if I could make it 30 days, we could buy the book and do the whole thing together. WHAT?  T-o-g-e-t-h-e-r.....for real??? Now that was truly tempting.  This is important in 2 ways:  1. We've been minding all our pennies lately and 2. Robbie is not much on reading self-improvement type books, much less together.  We've been married for a little over a year and have definitely gotten to that point where all that glitters isn't gold..... we know each other well, and the pet peaves are brewing at times.  My "tone issues" are Robbie's #1 pet peave.  I took him up on it and here we are 5 days in and I'm doing fine. It's very hard though.  I have to think about what I'm gonna say (most of the time mid-sentence) and turn my words or my tone so ends up better than I am starting out.  When I told my mom about the dare, she also burst into laughter (she had just been here over the weekend to see  our current banters first hand).  She just said, "Kim, doesn't it take 21 days to form a habit?" and then she laughed some more.  I hope she's right, maybe I could cure this issue once and for all!

We celebrated Valentine's Day last night with an experimental dinner (that he actually liked this time) and cheesecake, we watched Fireproof (finally) and I saw where The Love Dare came from and how it plays out.  I thought it would be a movie I'd have to be watching myself sometime b/c I didn't think I could get Robbie into a Christian movie that he'd stick with me through, specifically one with Kirk Cameron (oh how I love him from the 80's) given his specials on TBN that totally turn Robbie (and even me at times) off.  But, this movie was actually very well made.  It's a mushy movie that even my husband liked!  We both had tears at times.  We cheered and cheered for the couple.  I was totally impressed with this movie.  And, I'm really excited!! Cause I know I'm gonna make it 30 days and we're gonna get that book!  I might even splurge for the old leather looking one instead of the paperback!    Now, if I could only learn to turn my words before I start my sentences... 

the anatomy of surgery

Disclaimer: (This means you James) 

1.  This post is not for weak stomachs...

2.  This is a long post...sorry....it got out of hand, but I couldn't decide what to trim...

I love surgery. I got my first taste of guts and gore when I was working as a nursing assistant (CNA) in Boone, NC.  It was after college at LRC, before PA school.  For those of you who don't know, CNA's are pretty much glorified butt wipers, doing the grunt work no one else wants to do. Labor intensive chores like baths, putting people in bed or getting them up and dressed, feedings, cleanings and even (Lord, I can't believe I ever used to do this stuff)... enemas!  Nasty work, but someone had to do it and it was definitely a learning experience for me.  I had worked as a CNA in nursing homes, an ER, and, finally, in a birthing center at a local hospital.  I loved that job.  I still had to do some nasty stuff there, but most of it involved infants or cleaning up a new mama so she could be with her baby.  And that is also where I got to feel a persons "innards" for the first time.  The birthing center had their own surgical suite dedicated to c-sections.... planned or emergency. I worked night shift, so I usually saw emergencies or at least unexpected deliveries.  It was a rush.  It was crazy and, at times,  it was absolutely a mess!  But I loved it.  They took me to the OR, taught me the instruments, how to pass them, how to help the doctor, how to scrub.  My mom thought it was fun to ask me what I did at work that day until the day I answered (truthfully), "I caught the ovaries".  She didn't ask so much after that :D  

Then I came to PA school. Just in case you don't know, PA means "Physician Assistant".  In this state (NC), I can see patients, diagnose them, treat them, write medicines for them in prescriptions and all sorts of stuff. And, after a few years, I now work with a surgeon, back in the OR, except, this time, I'm  asking for the instruments, not passing them.  I help with surgery, suture ("close") from time to time, my opinion is heard, I write orders and help manage patients.  I understand more about what is going on.  And here is a truth that I have noticed in the OR.  

As you walk the halls of the operating room, you will see a lot of scrubs.  At our hospital, everyone in the OR is decked in green ones. All the same color of green. A few of them may be a "girl" style (2 lower pocket shirt, elastic waist pant) vs. a "boy" style (one pocket shirt, drawstring pant) but pretty much we all have on scrubs. We wear masks and protective eyewear, booties and caps.  It's pretty hard to tell who's who!  There are also a lot of people in the OR.  There are patients (obviously, they have on gown or are naked), nurses, scrub techs, PA's, residents, doctors, CRNA's, any variety of student from any of these groups, and OR assistants.  All varying levels of education depending on the job they do.  The patients lay on the table, the nurses chart and run the room, the CRNA's monitor the patients while they sleep, the scrub techs pass instruments, the PA/resident/student for these may scrub in to assist/help suture/hold instruments, the doctor operates and the OR assistant, well, they get the dirty work.  They clean up the beds, take specimens to pathology or the lab or mammography, they clean up the scrub spaces, they physically help move patients, then they take the trash and linens out of the room, mop and clean for the next case. They get the grunt job.  So, if we're all dressed the same and we all have the same external anatomy, how can you tell who's who????

Here's the truth I've seen in my observations:  By their words.  

Just so you know, I'm just talking about "instances" here... I'm not stereotyping each group...  Many times, I have come upon two doctors (surgeons or anesthesiologists) talking to each other about their day.  Could be their cases, could be their homelives, could be "the man".  You have to be prepared when you listen in, because you're probably gonna hear some words you don't want to hear.  The f-word comes to mind among others.  Or you'll hear someone joking about an ex-spouse or how many hours they can work in a month/how many cases they can get trying to make more money, which subdivision they plan to move into next and which private school their kids are going to. Their OR conversations are more likely than not about politics, the stock market, housing prices, etc.   The nurses, well, they are always a lot of fun.  You'll find them talking about patients usually with compassion, trying to decipher what's best.  Sometimes they gripe about "the man" but you usually don't hear so much cussing.  They are trying to finish shifts to get home to family and they talk about their families often.  Then there are the scrub techs and ORA's.  These guys are the lowest paid employees in the OR.  The scrub techs do a job that even the nurses don't do, take call like nurses, but don't get paid half what nurses get paid.  But as you walk down the halls of the OR, you will hear them encouraging each other... with scripture... with prayer... asking earnestly about each other's families....asking about church or Bible study.  They remember details about you that you forget you've even shared with them.  

The scrub techs and ORA's are the "guts" of the OR.  The doctor may be the head, directing all the hands... the nurses are the lymph nodes, cleaning up and keeping order.... the CRNA's keep the heart and lungs working... the PA's/residents are like hands and feet running here and there to help hold things in order for the doctor to do more... but the techs and ORA's, dirty as their jobs may be, are the guts.  They do work that is down and dirty at times.  They even get treated like poo from many surgeons and even PA's/residents who talk down to them or act like they don't exist or throw temper tantrums. But they are the ones who have the guts to live with a Christ-like heart. They are unafraid to speak of the love of God in the halls. There is even a transporter that tells every patient that she rolls from one area of the hospital to the other... "Have a blessed surgery."  I honestly believe that as she pushes these stretchers with patients of all sizes that she prays for them with each step.  

When I was a CNA in that birthing center, I talked about Bible studies at work.  The girls there invited me to some and I went with them and loved it.  We encouraged each other and prayed for families and sometimes even over the babies in the nursery if they had odd home situations (like abandonment or any dangers we could feel).  When I was a PA student, I led Bible studies in my house. I had scripture crammed everywhere!! I was constantly studying in different books and notebooks and I had sticky notes of scriptures to encourage me at some place in all of them (I still find them now sometimes).  I knew other students---med students and PA students who did this, too.  Many who claimed they would carry God into their practices and share God with their patients.  I wonder how many actually did?  There are occasions when I get to pray with patients or share my faith or encourage with scripture. I feel so blessed when I see those opportunities, because I know that I did not create them, I am just speaking up to fill the position that was created for me.  There are a few times that I've even discussed faith with co-workers, but that seems to be tougher.  

What opportunities has God made for you to encourage someone or for you to carry your words to someone that you may see every day or maybe even never again?  Who cares if someone is watching you as you pray for someone if the person has asked you to or finds comfort in it?  Who cares if you support a co-worker who may not be of your "class" by encouraging them with scripture or a note or even, "I'm praying for you and your family."  Who cares if you don't wear a dress and heels to church?  Who cares if you give you shirt to a homeless person? or hold hands with a drug addict?  God cares.  What has he called you to do?

John 15:15-17

"I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other."

actions speak louder than words

Robbie and I have been bored lately and trying to relax after the holidays, so we have been watching a lot of TV shows we've DVR'd for just such a day... the main show he has been recording is House, MD. Neat show, odd premise, (as always) Jeopardy, lots of Food Network programming and, recently, True Beauty.

Leave it to Ashton Kutcher to make another thought provoking show. If you haven't True Beauty, get ready for a really petty show, that is actually interesting. The show is made up of these contestants who think they are the most beautiful person in America. They think at the end of the contest they will be told which of them is the most beautiful. There are 3 judges who are judging their "beauty", but in reality, they are taking in both their physical appearance and their inner beauty. They measure the inner beauty by planting secret challenges to see how the contestants react... do they help a friend in need? do they reach out a helping hand to a stranger? would they look at other contestsants private medical files if they were left alone with them?

Watching this show, it is amazing how conceited people are, how "special" or "perfect" they believe they are. When you watch it, you'll see I mean. It just goes to show that people who think they are beautiful and perfect, really aren't. And the more you get to know them, many of them grow even uglier. Most of all, if you confront them with their flaws, they become very defensive. I was like, wow! who saw that reaction coming... this person that got eliminated even lied about looking at files (said it was hers) and when they showed proof that it wasn't, she tried to act like she was justified for looking and that it didn't matter. She was standing there disputing the importance of honesty, looking uglier and uglier as her true colors showed.

There was also an interesting moment in House. In this episode, House is in trouble with the law because of stealing prescription drugs and taking them. He goes to the prosecutor and apologizes for what he has done. It is a heartfelt apology that seems all mushy-gushy. When he is done with this seemingly heartfelt monologue, the officer says essentially, "Thanks, but I don't care what you say. What you say makes no impression. It's what you DO that impresses me."

1 John 1:5-10

God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

Actions speak louder than words. To be truly beautiful and to get your life in order means to live a life not of pride, but of humility. Lives submitted to God, in his will, following his order and rules. Without Christ, we could not be truly beautiful, we would still have a huge weight of sin. If pointing out a flaw makes you erupt like a volcano, you probably have some work to do (and that includes me, I don't like being told I'm wrong). If you don't know the love of Christ, then you can pray a prayer asking him to come into your heart as you submit to his ways and believe in Him.

I once was lost, but now I'm found... Thank you, Lord!

Merry Christmas everyone!! I hope you have a very blessed day with your families and a blessed new year, too!!!

for the Love of Christmas...

I love Christmas and all that it brings.... family, friends, Christmas music, presents (no matter how big or small), food, Christmas trees, ornaments I've had since my childhood, my grandmother's nativity set which was made by my great-grandmother... what is there not to love! Oh, and I can't forget Christmas movies... no matter how cheesy they are!!

I was watching one of my favorite "standards" this time of year last night with a friend, Miracle on 34th Street. Wonderful, wonderful movie. As I've seen in several other cheesy movies this year, there is a little girl in the movie who no longer believes in Santa. Santa.. the guy who spreads joy to all on Christmas. A guy tries to rationalize with this little girl, "What if there really is a Santa and you don't believe in him? What if you are really missing out? Wouldn't it be better to hope, than to not believe at all?" Each time I've heard similar lines in these movies, all I can see is Christ. There is such a close connection in the way we relate to Santa. For example, Santa's story is quite unbelievable in many ways. You know, the North Pole, flying reindeer, magical sacks of toys, chimneys, traveling around the world in one night... So is Jesus's story if you think about it: Born of a virgin, the son of God in human form, 1/3 of a holy trinity, he could heal people with a word and raise the dead (Lazarus) and come back from the dead himself to ascend to his heavenly throne.  Here's some scripture I came across this morning:

Luke 18:15-17

People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."

We take our kids to Santa to reinforce their faith in him, to give them something concrete to bolster their belief in him. Sometimes we take them to hear what they tell Santa, but most parents I know, already know what the kid plans to tell Santa. But we take them, to "prove" Santa is real. Do we do the same with Jesus? This goes with both the children and ourselves. Do we read the Christmas story one night during all the festivities out of obligation?  What do we do daily to prove to ourselves Jesus is real? "Now faith is the being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1). What are we doing to bolster our own faith?

How can we prove to ourselves Jesus is real? This is what I think (and this is my opinion... you can try it for yourself and see if you think it works or not). When it all boils down to the nitty gritty, God is love. He is the epitome of it. The Bible speaks of faith, hope and love, these three abide, but the greatest of them is LOVE (see 1 Cor 13:13). His whole plan and purpose is Love. In Mark 12, Jesus is asked the question,

"Of all the commandments, which is the most important?". "The most important," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

So, the best way I've found to reinforce my faith in Jesus (and hopefully to spread that faith to others like an airborne infection) is to praise God for all that he has blessed me with-- salvation, new life through him, forgiveness of sins, redemption (worth and value), an inkling of understanding of what love truly is, etc-- and to share with others out of the overflow of love he has poured into my heart. It may not be a monetary gift, but just giving of your time or your skills can be an unbelievable gift of Love to someone this Christmas. Show them you love them, that they are worth loving and that someone out there cares for them..... whether they are family, friends, acquaintances or even strangers.... It may be the gift that sparks their own faith that God is real and worth believing in, a gift that changes a heart for eternity.

Merry Christmas, Blessed New Year!!

things I'm thankful for...

At church last Sunday, the pastor gave his Thanksgiving sermon... he used a passage from Deuteronomy that got me thinking... He preached on Deut 8: 7-10, I'm gonna use Deut 8:7-14. Here is what I heard/how I interpret these scripture (please, for the "real deal" on these, click the link for the verses and see how you would take them).

My take on Deut 8:7-14
"The Lord your God has brought you through a heck of a lot and now he has brought you to a good place. A place of peace, rest, plenty. You will have everything you need here and will have no use for 'want'. When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the blessings and goodness he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the Lord you God, failing to follow his commands, walking in his ways as are described in his Word. Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied and build fine houses and settle down and you have plenty of money and all you have is multiplied, then your hear will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God who brought you out of your slavery..."

What a love smack! I totally needed that. When I think about the Lord and where he has brought me from, I am amazed. I don't mean poverty wise or anything like that. I had all I needed growing up. I mean the dark valleys and the slavery that I found myself in, many times through my personal choices... choices that were usually made out of my "want". For example, there was a time when I didn't think being single was good enough, so I went seeking a relationship anywhere I could find it. Of course they all failed. Of course I was disappointed. But why? I already had all that I would need. God was there for me, he was teaching me lessons in how to trust him, lean on him. He knew that when I met Robbie and we got married that within our marriage Robbie could not be my "everything", that I would still need to come to him for guidance, so he taught me that while I was single.

If we apply this to America in general, especially in our current financial state, we can make another example. It wasn't/isn't good enough to live within the means of what we had... smaller houses with low payments, cars that are paid for, jobs that pay decently. Instead, out of our "want" we take loans bigger than we can afford, inflate the prices of our homes, and buy new or newer cars consistently. We end up indebted to others out of our "want" or a sense of "need" created by envy or what we see others have around us. I think a perfect example of this is when people come visit our house. We have a 3 bed room house with an unfinished bonus room. Robbie has an office here that is in one of the bed rooms. Many times, when people come to visit, including some family members, they say, "Well, you'll need a bigger house when you have kids." For one, how many kids do they think we'll have? I mean, I'm 31. and for two, are you kidding? Our parents raised 2 kids in 3 bedroom houses and we turned out fine. (We'll still have 3 BR if we finish the bonus room). We have all the room that we need. God has provided for us. And if he somehow provides us with more than 2 kids, then I'm sure he'll provide us with another home. One within our means.

So, enough rambling. I am very very thankful this Thanksgiving. We have a home, vehicles that run, a large meal to eat today (and then more this weekend), we'll have a Christmas tree. Robbie doesn't have another job/contract yet, but I know God will provide. Our Christmas may be "skimpy" this year, but these holidays are not about monetary gifts or trivial items to spend money on. The greatest gifts we'll get over these holidays are gifts of time with our family and loved ones. Quality, not quantity. We're all healthy, and we have each other. If God sent his son here as an example of Love, then we should extend that love to those around us. Here's a good list of things to be thankful for this holiday and to ponder coming into the Christmas season:

Isaiah 9

Unto Us a Child Is Born

1 Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress. In the past he humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the future he will honor Galilee of the Gentiles, by the way of the sea, along the Jordan-

2 The people walking in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death
a light has dawned.

3 You have enlarged the nation
and increased their joy;
they rejoice before you
as people rejoice at the harvest,
as men rejoice
when dividing the plunder.

4 For as in the day of Midian's defeat,
you have shattered
the yoke that burdens them,
the bar across their shoulders,
the rod of their oppressor.

5 Every warrior's boot used in battle
and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
will be fuel for the fire.

6 For unto us a child is born,
unto us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful,
Counselor,
Mighty God,
Everlasting Father,
Prince of Peace.

7 Of the increase of his government and peace
there will be no end.
He will reign on David's throne
and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty
will accomplish this.

Without these words... this prophecy... and it's completion, I would have no knowledge of true Love and it's meaning in my life.. no way of understanding the full measure of grace or mercy... no way of knowing what it truly means to be humble or Thankful.

Lord, help us not forget the source of our blessings...

stuck in my genes

Disclaimer: this is a very personal blog and I am feeling kinda vulnerable with this one, so bear with me, even the length.

I was feeling fat, miserable and tired over the past weekend after doing some shopping with my mom and eating at the Olive Garden. When I got home, I desperately wanted nothing more than to get out of my jeans and into my PJ's! But, nonetheless, I was trying to go to fast and I got my jeans stuck down around my feet. I couldn't get them off. I was laughing to myself about this situation and I thought, "Yep, here I am, stuck in my jeans."

I go through these moments, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, of feeling bad about myself. Not who I am deep down, but who I am on the outside and how the 2 match up. I struggle with my weight. I have struggled with it pretty much my entire life. When I think about dieting and such, I always think of my Grandma Ruth who seemed to be eternally on Weight Watchers and I think, "Well, it's just my genes."

You know what, I'm tired of being stuck in my GENES. My dad yo-yo's weight, my mom, stepmom, sister.... me? I'm just big and stay big. But either way, I'm still stuck in my ways. Bad habits that don't ever seem to change. I think about it sometimes when I'm on the way to the halfway house to lead the women in a recovery home for addictions how they must feel when they look at me... clearly addicted myself and stuck in a habit/comfort that I have no true desire to escape from. If I had a true desire, then I would have changed it by now.

Here is my crazy internal dialogue: "I want to lose 60 lbs (well, 80 after going to the doctor this week and facing his scales).. I'm going to start on Monday morning by getting up early before work to go for a brisk walk... 60 lbs is a lot, maybe I should just try 30... But it's so much work to take weight off... I could do it if someone would do it with me... maybe if I joined a gym?... today is just too busy to go for a walk... i can do it on Monday, but Tuesday I have conference at 7a.m. and then a full day of clinic/charts... have you felt the temperature outside at 5:30A?... it's even getting cooler/darker early in the evening... Harley (big neighborhood dog) lives down there, I had better cut that walk short to avoid him... I'll just do a video in the house... what if Robbie sees me?... Who has $40/month for Weight Watchers and $30 a month for a gym membership?... I just feel silly..."

But outside, I just look silly. Inside, I feel confident and tough in most situations, most days. When I think of how I look (even when I dream) I don't see the "fat" me. I only see "me". I've done this for 31 years (probably 21 of which I have been aware of my weight/appearance). Now I'm married and we're thinking about having kids. I don't want to worry about diabetes or living long enough to see my kids graduate from high school. I don't want to pack on 50 lbs of pregnancy weight and have no idea what to do with it. Chinese food can not be good for pregnant people.... just one more thing to give up when the time comes. I don't want my kids to pick up the same habits that I have taken upon myself. It's a curse that I don't want them to ever know or battle.
Exodus 34:5-9

Then the Lord came down in a cloud and stood there with him and proclaimed his name, the Lord. And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation." Moses bowed to the ground at once and worshiped. "O Lord, if I have found favor in your eyes," he said, "then let the Lord go with us. Although this is a stiff-necked people, forgive our wickedness and our sin, and take us as your inheritance."

Frankly, I'm tired of it. I'm ready to break my curse. It's a sin of gluttony and laziness I have wrapped around myself for years. Please, Lord, forgive me for my ignorance, for ignoring my own addictions, for using food to comfort me when YOU ALONE are my comfort. You keep telling me, "My grace is suffient for you" and maybe now I'm just catching on! Help me to recognize the bad patterns and habits in my life and give me the strength to overpower them. Help me to find YOU as the easiest choice/place to go when I have issues. Praise you Lord, for your infinite wisdom and power. You have me in the palm of your hand, Lord. Help me never to forget that you are with me.

I am asking/praying publicly for God's support. That's all it takes. His part will be taken care of. He will be there for me. I wholeheartedly believe that. But, I don't want to let him down. It's a 2 way street. He will be there for me, but I have to make the choices to reach out for him and not brownies. Maybe with your help/support, knowing you guys are reading and watching me, I can stay accountable and really follow through. It will be hard with the holidays coming (I mean, have you eaten at my Mom's house? Mama can COOK! There are endless goodies when I go to family's houses, not to mention Robbie's mom!). But I want a change. I need a change. There is no pill that can help (before you fight me on this, it might help for a few months, but unless I change my ways, I'll gain it back and then some). There is no person that can change me. There is no product I can buy that will clean me up like a virus scan and take out all the bugs. The only thing I can do is vow to make a change and follow through. The only way I can do that is with God on my side, some very earnest prayer and some awesome prayer partners to help me in this battle!!!

Mary, the mother of Jesus, in her "magnificat" says about the nature of God, "My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on, generations will call me blessed, for the mighty one has done great things for me--holy is his name. His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation." (Luke 1: 46-50) If I can get this under control with the help of God, break this nasty tradition of sorts, then I can share that mercy with my children and hopefully they could take it to their children.

I can't be the only one dealing with my "genes". What pattern are you stuck in? Unhealthy lifestyle like me? Unhealthy relationships? Unhealthy med uses? Misuses of alcohol or using cigarettes to sway your anxiety? Food, drugs, sex, false intimacy, alcohol, cigarettes, TV addiction, movies/fantasies... none of them will make you feel better. If you want a true change, cry out to God. He alone is the breaker of generational issues. The only one who can restore you back to who you are on the inside.
Psalm 145: 2-7

Every day I will praise you
and extol your name for ever and ever.
Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
his greatness no one can fathom.
One generation will commend your works to another;
they will tell of your mighty acts.
They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and I will meditate on your wonderful works.
They will tell of the power of your awesome works,
and I will proclaim your great deeds.
They will celebrate your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

Click here to read all of Psalm 145 (I highly recommend it) Thank you (in advance) for your prayer and support. I'll keep you posted on how things go.