Moving on...

hey yall!! just wanted you to know that the Clearing it Up blog has merged with my Comings and Goings blog and can now be found at www.robbieandkim.com Please check it out!

Thirty, Flirty and Thriving!

"The body thrives when it's heart has a purpose." Thanks "Heroes" for the line that got me started blogging tonight after weeks/months of silence. How true is this statement? In my work, I see patients every day. Some are happy, some are thriving, some..... are not. For many, especially the elderly, it's like their fire is flickering...smoldering, but they've lost sight of something, or all hope in anything. It's sad when you see it. They lose their desires to even see the sunshine or talk to friends. If you're like me, you try and remind them of the things they like to do or people they like to see. But, if you can put a purpose back in there, they perk up in the meantime til I see them again. Think about it. Surely you've seen the face of a sweet old lady that just found out they're gonna have a new grandchild or great-grandchild. It just makes their day!! Even telling them about our upcoming family addition and explaining I'll be on maternity leave next time they come in makes them light up for a minute. It's really cute.

But this principle is true spiritually, too. Lately, I've been contemplating what to do about this Bible study I help with at a halfway house. In a way I feel like I should leave. In other ways, I feel like I should stay, like I would miss something if I stopped going. For the last few visits there, I have felt like it was a struggle to go...or even to remember it was my week to go. I didn't feel like I was much use to the girls. I didn't even want to prepare for the study. My body wasn't thriving. It wasn't my purpose to push myself to keep going. It was time to come out. After a lot of prayer and struggling, I finally asked God on 2 occasions to make a way for me to come out of the study without hurting anyone's feelings or putting anyone in a tight spot. The first time, the director of the house was there when I got there so all I had to do was talk to her.... but, one of the girls who had left the house was back and I had missed her so much, prayed and hoped for her to come back so much, and there she was! How could I leave when she had just come "home"? I missed my next visit there due to illness. Then, this week, I did the same thing. I prayed and prayed in my morning quiet time about what to do.... and then, later in the day, there was the director again. This time, it was just me and her. I knew then that God had been giving me what I asked for the first time, but I chose to ignore it!! Now was my time to act!

Nonetheless, I did speak with her and since then, I have felt so free again. Free spiritually. Like a weight was lifted off my shoulders that was no longer mine to carry. Very nice. I am a child of God, therefore I know I have a purpose in his kingdom. The number one purpose is to glorify God, as vague as that sounds. Everything else is just a detail. So, I'll keep praying and figure out the next direction he'd have me to go. I hope you guys get a chance to find your purpose as well!!

God's Chisel

Whatever it takes, whatever it takes, whatever it takes.... I will wait for you, Lord. It is only by waiting and your response to my search for you that chains are broken, lives are healed, eyes are opened and you are revealed. Thank you, Lord.

Have you been sent?

There's a lot going on in my life these days. There are a lot of things to be thankful for and a lot of things I just don't understand. We all know those mixed blessings. Not just bittersweet circumstances in our own lives, but times when we are overjoyed with our personal lives, but there are significant factors playing in those around us. Our family is in one of those spots. I'm so hurt and frustrated with a family member that I don't even know where to begin and I'm afraid that all this callousness I am developing will hurt my relationship with God. Can how we interact with others on an earthly/personal level affect our spiritual lives? I absolutely believe that. There's an old testament passage that says if we have problems with our "brother" we should go mend things with him before we bother to offer our sacrifices to God so our sacrifice won't be tainted.

I just don't know what to do. Have you ever gotten so frustrated, so tired of talking to what/someone who seems like a WALL?? That's where I am with this person. I'm tired of the battle. I'm frustrated, confused.... weary. I've been working my way through Romans in my devotional readings the past few weeks. Sometimes I feel like I do this out of rote instead of piousness but God can and does still meet me there. He taught me an interesting lesson this week. I'm in Romans 10. Many people know this chapter as part of the "Roman's Road" based off this passage:

Romans 10:8-13

But what does it say? "The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart," that is, the word of faith we are proclaiming: ⁹That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. ¹⁰For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. ¹¹As the Scripture says, "Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame."¹²For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, ¹³for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."

I found myself thinking, "Oh, if only my family member could get this. If only they would hear it and give God a chance." If only.... then, I read the next verses and this is the lesson God has taught me today.

Romans 10:14-15

How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? ¹⁵And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"

It is not my job to make my family member believe. It is my job, however, to pray for them to HEAR the words. For someone to come to them and preach the gospel to them (not "judge" them). For someone to be sent. This person may or may not be me. And, it is my job, as a believer, to share with her as doors open, to encourage her. Not to tear her down like I want to when she hurts me. There will be a lot of area to mend here if this person is me, because I'm human, but what else can I do but pray? God is just. His will prevails.

The Kingdom of God

This is the way of the kingdom of God, this is the way of the kingdom of God.....

Well, I'm singing it, but you may not know this little song. It's one of the songs the kids learned at my church Vacation Bible School this week. I helped with the kindergarten class this year. We had 17 kids with perfect attendance and some mean energy levels, but they did GREAT! I really enjoyed being with them and watching them learn about Jesus. VBS and children's ministry in general is always interesting. I found myself looking at them, wondering when it was going to click. How long would it be before they have that epiphany moment when they understand how truly big God is and how small we are in comparison. Would they get out of elementary school? high school? college? Would God protect them from the evil in the world until they got to that point? Will they ever understand grace?

So, that's a lot of pondering. Of course, I have no idea when their time will come. And I have no idea what choice they will make when it does come. But, in the meantime, they learned some valuable lessons this week including the Lord's Prayer. But it was this little song they learned that got me blogging. I would hear kids singing this to themselves between activities, during class, during snacks. It's not just the song, but the motions. They sing, "This is the way of the kingdom of God" (hands go up), "This is the way of the kingdom of God"(hands come down). See, they are learning more than just a lesson in what the Lord's Prayer says, but also the importance of prayer! We pray our petitions to Heaven... God sends blessings down on us..... We raise our hands again in PRAISE for the blessings. This is the way of the kingdom of God. Relationship. We talk to God with prayer. We give our praise and thanksgiving with hands raised to him and we present our requests. He honors our praises with good things, blessings, love, forgiveness, grace... he pours them on us like a shower of his love. We worship him.

I'm trying to keep it short this morning. Hope you all have a blessed time at your VBS as well. To see a short video clip of the kids at Blackjack singing this very song, click here. (The kindergarten kids are the ones on the front row.)

faith, faith, faith, I gotta have faith, Faith, FAITH!

ok, so I can hear George Michael singing in my head and you can't, but it's still a funny, although fitting, blog title.

Faith. One small word with amazing power and implications. It seems like everything comes down to it. Small things.... faith that the car will start, that we'll wake up in the morning, that there is cereal in the box...... to the Big things... faith that Jesus is the son of God who saves us from our sins, that he could live and breathe on this earth to be killed as a sacrifice for sins and then to rise again to claim his place in Glory... and that because of him, I have a faith for tomorrow.... that tomorrow will come, that I will be provided for. I am because HE IS!

I have so much to say that I don't want to garble it all up with words. I just want to praise God. I don't know how faith works, I just know that it does. I don't know how God chooses to love us, sin and all, but He does!

I have learned so much about faith in the last six months, but particularly in the last 4 weeks... God is truly amazing. When I seek him, I truly find him. He gives me the strength I need to seek another day and to seek him in it. I have lived in James..... chapter one's "double minded man"... chapter 2's "faith without deeds is dead", faith and action working together make your faith complete.... chapter 3's tongue taming, b/c i can't praise him and be upset with him at the same time.... chapter 4's submission to God and not to my own will (the reason for arguments and quarrels amongst us.... and chapter 5's patience and prayer.... definitely found some great words to stand on!

Thank you so much Lord all that you have blessed us with. Not just my family, my friends, my circumstances, but the tangible things like Robbie's new job (yeah!) and passing my board recertification (yeah!) so I can still work. Thank you that you will always honor faith, even the size of a mustard seed and I can use that faith to move mountains. Thank you that faith without deeds is dead. Thank you that by putting our faith into action, you have blessed us greatly. Praise you, praise you, praise you... I can't wait to see what comes next...

Minding my own business...

I got to thinking about minding your own business or the concept of "stick to what you know" this afternoon while I was on the phone with a friend.  I'm studying for my boards (still, they are coming up June 1) and she asked me what all I had learned lately by studying.  She said, "Well, you already know a lot, can't be much more to learn."  I replied back, "Not really. I know a lot about my world, but I know absolutely nothing about others and there is always PLENTY to learn in just one specialty!"  This came into play with my car this week.  

My car, beloved Fiona Ford, broke.  It was great!  You know, looking back, she had been acting funny for a while.  I had noted about 5 or 6 weeks ago that the air conditioning no longer cooled things (as if I could forget it when it's over 80 degrees in Greenville).  Pish posh.  Money's tight, so I'm not getting it checked out.  Oh, it's a cool morning?  Bet I need my defroster for my windshield that's fogged up.  Oops, won't get warm air either....interesting.  Guess I'll just have to see out of this little crevice I can see through if I crane my neck and tilt my head. And surely that fan-type running noise even when the fan is off on the AC/heat doesn't mean anything.  I can just ignore it.  Until on the way to work this week, it just overheats.  Three times within a mile.  Now, I'm afraid. Little Fiona could blow up... I don't wanna blow up.... so we have to go to the specialist.  Here's where there are things I just don't know about.  I know a few basic words:  brakes, tires, radiators, distributor caps, engine block, pistons, spark plugs....but exactly what these things do (with the exception of tires and brakes), I'm not 100% clear.  No one on this earth could be, but I do happen to know a guy down the road who probably knows 90% . He's my mechanic.  And he fixed Fiona Ford by finding out what I was convinced was my car getting ready to blow up was just a leaky hose that was draining the fluid from my radiator.  

Man, how we can see things so unclearly sometimes.  I neglected Fiona's issues.  When she started to have a problem, I should have taken her on for some diagnostics and made sure she was in good working order. But instead, I just sat there feeling the hot air in the very hot weather, listening to her sound odd, thinking it was gonna be bad and I didn't want to know and I could live without knowing.    Now I know people do this with their health. I work for a breast cancer surgeon.  I see it everyday.  "Well, I felt this lump somewhere around Christmas, but my family was around and I didn't want to tell anyone or be a burden so I just let it go.  Yeah, I mean, it got bigger but by then, I was afraid to find out, I'm just scared." Then they come to the specialist (i.e. my office) for "diagnostics" and a plan to get better. 

I'm a specialist in breast cancer surgery. Garry is a specialists in cars/mechanics.  My husband is a specialist in computer programming and engineering.  My sister/mom are specialists in education.  My dad is excellent with traumas and my step-mom is an expert in loans and finance.   Now, can any of us know absolutely everything about everything???  NO!! We surely can not!  Our minds would just explode.  We're better off to mind our own business and stick to what we know and lean on the other specialists when we need them. Together, we can make a working body that comes close to doing everything and knowing everything, but no matter how much we know, we still can't know it all. 

But I do know this one guy who is a specialist in everything. I could refer you to him.  His name is Jesus, aka God.  He ultimately knows everything we need at any time. He just waits for us to come looking for him.  He's not just a spiritual specialist, but also a life specialist. He can direct you exactly where you need to go and in exactly the timing he has planned out for you.  But, just like I hope you don't neglect your physical health and Garry hopes I don't neglect the health of my vehicle, God doesn't want us neglecting our Spiritual Health. Spiritual Health is defined by our relationship with God.  It's just like that Casting Crowns song, "Slow Fade".  Where it says, "People never crumble in a day, it's a slow fade"... 'cause it is. 

One day you think you are going along fine, then you think, "well, I'm too busy today, I can't read my Bible before work, I'll get to it before bed." Then you don't, then you don't do even once a week. Then you start forgetting to pray.  You start caring more about yourself than those around you.  "I can't stop to help this old lady put her groceries in her car in that parking lot, I have to get home and start dinner. I'm too busy."  Then you start to not even care if you go to church or not.  Then it's, "Well, maybe I'll go play poker with the guys (or go out with the girls for a girls night) Saturday night. Yeah, we'll be out real late. We may not even get in til 2 in the morning. But it's okay, I can just sleep in on Sunday."  You do this until one day you just hit the biggest brick wall.  Things are crumbling all around you.  Sometimes its things others can't even see, emotional things even.  To the point that you just cry out for help. And you know what, God is there.  He is a sucker for us.  He can't shake us or refer us out to another specialist. He is then Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end (see Revelations 21). He will be there every time we turn to him.  But wouldn't it just be easier if we did the maintenance?  If when things got tough we dove deeper into our word and prayed more?  If we would reach out to each other more when we can tell our friends are suffering?  If we would pray for each other more, encourage each other more?  God would still be there. He'd be making us more like him every day.  And even though we'd still face trials, our well maintained spiritual health could help us cross through with ease.  In the real world, specialists cost money. sometimes lots of it.  But the Spiritual Specialist, Jesus Christ, is free.  It won't cost you a dime. 

If you haven't met Jesus, then I recommend you establish care with him.  He is the Great Physician. You won't find one better.  He can get you on the right track. Once you have established care though, don't neglect your maintenance exams.  Stay plugged into the church where you can get healthy arms and legs to help hold you up in tough times. .  Keep your prayer life strong so you can get some healthy air to breathe.  Prayer is how you will always have a safe place to vent your feelings and frustrations and you won't hurt anyone else with your words or actions.  Stay deep in the word, reading daily and looking for answers that you need and a word to stand on for each day.  This will be the spiritual fuel that keeps you going.  Drink in his love and blessings so you can sing his praises all the day long.**

Philippians 4:4-9  

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 ⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

**see also: 

Psalm 56, Matthew 26, Mark 4, Luke 6 & 8, John 8, Romans 8 & 10, 1 Corinthians 12, Ephesians 8

(You know, I try to make these things shorter, but I always end up longwinded. Sorry guys.) 

This is just a recipe contest, but heck, it's $25!

Hey guys, I know this is not really a relevant post on spirituality or Christianity, but you know what, it is a post about the truths in life.  And the truth of it is, I could really use $25 right now in gift card form from Target for a lot of things, so here's the post. 

My friend Julie recently saw on a blog she follows a recipe contest.  All I have to do it post a recipe here and link it to Kelly Moore's site.  That's it.  If she likes it, she mails me a gift certificate! I'm excited!  So, sorry if you're annoyed by this one. I promise I'll make a relevant post soon.... maybe even a Recipe for Truth or something....

Robbie's Favorite Pork Ribs

1 pkg Country Style Pork Ribs (I get the ones that are on sale)

1-1.5 cups ketchup

1 small bottle of BBQ sauce ( I usually just use craft light original)

1/2 cup apple cider vinegar (you can put more to make the sauce more liquidy)

1/4 cup brown sugar (or less depending on taste)

1-2 tsp butter

ground black pepper (to taste)

coursely ground salt (to taste)

peppercorn grinder (to taste)

Okay, so you take everything but the ribs and stir it together in a pot until it has melded well. I usually start it over medium high heat, then turn it to med or med-low for about 15 minutes.  In the meantime, get out your crockpot.  Put the ribs in there and sprinkle with salt, pepper and some peppercorns.  Pour the sauce you just made over the ribs (usually covers them for the most part).  Turn on LOW for about 7-8 hours or HIGH for 2 hours AND then LOW for another 3 hours. They are done when they are falling off the bone.  

I love this recipe for Sundays because I can start the sauce/crockpot right after church (I go to the early service and I'm home by 10:10a.m.) and then they are ready to eat by 7:30 dinner time, or I can start them before church and they're done by 6 or so.  Goes well with lots of things!! And my husband ALWAYs wants them.  This past Sunday for instance, he said, "What, no ribs for dinner?"  Now he expects them.  Oh well. I'm sure I"ll have more recipes in the future. This has been fun!

Secrets of a Medical Professional

Outside of the blogworld, I'm a medical professional.   A medical professional who has now been in practice long enough to have to renew her boards with the professional powers that be.  I was studying for this mega-terrifying test a couple of weeks ago at my mom's place (I called it "vacation") and I noticed an interesting point.  

If we all lived life how God told us to, we'd be such a healthy population!  Many diseases that plague the general population would be eliminated and doctors/extenders like me could spend some serious time with patients who truly need serious medical attention.  God's way truly is the most healthy way to live. "But, Kim, you say I'm free to be "me" with God. He knows my issues. It doesn't matter if I like to get drunk now and then.... If I don't sleep with my boyfriend he'll just go find it somewhere else."  That's so not how it works. Let's examine a few of God's doctrines: 

1 Corinthians 6:9-19  

Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. "Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. "Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

1.  Abstinence and Monogamy, ie no sex before marriage and sticking with the one you chose. In Romans, Paul says that we should be celibate, and if an man can not be celibate, he should take a wife. He writes a whole chapter devoted to this, see 1 Corinthians 7.    Why is this important?? Oh, but it is so important.  If you only knew the number of patients I have tested and/or treated for gonorrhea, chlamydia, trichomoniasis.... all treatable sexually transmitted diseases... let alone the incurable ones... like genital herpes and warts.  I'm supposed to counsel these last 2 patients on the importance of abstinence and, of course, not to be ashamed b/c many people get these diseases and teach them to "control" outbreaks.  (By the way, the diseases can still spread even when you DON'T have an outbreak.)  Don't forget Syphillis which can come and go without you even knowing it... and silently destroying your nervous system in your later years.  Oh, and most importantly, HIV/AIDS.  The one that can take you out forever.  Do you realize that the large majority of issues surrounding abortion could be eliminated if we followed God's plan? 

2.  Prohibition, ie avoidance of drugs/alcohol, anything that can alter your perception of reality.

Luke 21: 34-36  "Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with dissipation, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you unexpectedly like a trap. ³⁵For it will come upon all those who live on the face of the whole earth. ³⁶Be always on the watch, and pray that you may be able to escape all that is about to happen, and that you may be able to stand before the Son of Man."  

Do you know how many accidents and senseless arguments, acts of violence are started/based with these products??  How many good decisions do you know that started with having a drink or taking a hit of something?  Besides the obvious mess this makes for our justice system, it also leads to chronic diseases. I can hear my patients now.  "Well, I only smoke because my boss is such a *****."  "I only use to relax a the end of the day."  "I only smoke when I drink."  "Using makes me forget the mess I'm in. But when I come back to reality, the mess is still there and I want to use again."  See the STD's listed above.  Cirrhosis, a disease that in many cases is caused by alcohol abuse.  It's deadly over time. It's not reversible.  Hepatitis B & C... can be transmitted with sex (usually multiple partners), blood, IV drug abuse, tattoos.   Hep C is the #1 cause of liver transplants in the US.  Almost totally preventable. Cocaine abuse (over time) causes heart failure.  How many car accidents, 4wheeler accidents do you know that started with somone drinking or using drugs?  How many lives have been affected by the pain of losing a loved one to this kind of foolishness?   Smoking kills, as if you didn't know.  Cigarette related deaths involve lung cancer, bone cancers, colon cancer, pancreatic cancer, brain cancer, espophagus and stomach cancers, strokes, and heart attacks. Smoking is also a major role player in acid reflux, stomach ulcers, or even very morbid diseases like COPD/emphysema that can cause you to require daily oxygen therapy.   

3.  Gluttony, ie weight control.  Your body is a temple. See the scripture above.  This is a big one, literally.  The US is the largest population, maybe not in number, but in pounds.  Why???  Probably because we've been the most "blessed".  Despite our failings, God has blessed this nation with enough money to buy food to eat, someone else to do our grunt work and machines to do the work for us.  God's plan for us was to be active. To work.  Paul says, "If a man will not work, he shall not eat".  God's plan was not for us to be lazy.  His plan was for us to eat the bounty of the harvest.  He provided foods for us that grow from the ground or feed from it.  Fresh fruits, vegetables, meat, eggs....all have a place in our diet.   We hire someone to clean our homes, work our crops, mow our yards instead of doing the work ourselves. We drive ourselves to work. We drive ourselves to the mailbox. Eliminating obesity eliminates a large majority of cases of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, heart attacks, strokes.... those are biggies, but how about the things you may not associate with your size, like acid reflux, hemorrhoids, back pain, hip pain, knee pain, heel spurs, heat rashes, fibromyalgia, depression and the list does go on.  And on and on.  

Father, please help us to make a change in our lives.  If we don't know you, help us to start a relationship with you. Forgive us for the ways we have hurt you and help hold us up as we start anew.  If we do know you, help us to maintain a lifestyle pleasing to you. Help us to put YOU first in every day we live--not another person, not a bite of food or a cigarette/drink or drug.  Help us to be willing servants in healthy vessels for your service.  In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.  

Have you seen my charger??

I know it has been a while since I've blogged, but it's also been a while since I've taken time to really dig into my Bible. I know it sounds bad, but it's realistic and why lie about it? Snippets of time here and there just don't cut it when what I need is true revelation/renewal/revival. It's been a tough couple of months and busy, too. Robbie is still looking for full time work, my cat ran away, we got a new puppy who takes a LOT of attention, and my Granny died unexpectedly on the 15th of March. I feel like I'm spinning in circles most days, homesick, feeling guilty for not being home right now (I live 5 hours from my parents), catching up on work and life in general, so I was feeling some true disconnect from God. I pray a lot, especially in the car between work and home and vice versa, but somehow my Word time just got shorter and shorter.

One day I actually prayed jokingly to God and asked him for more time in the day so I could get a few real minutes with Him. Would you believe it if I told you he somehow made 1 1/2 hours of time in my schedule where I was ALONE in the house (no puppy and no husband) and my phone didn't even ring? It was that day that I realized, again, how amazing God can be. That he really does desire relationship with us. It's kinda like my cell phone. There's a big difference in the charge the phone can get from the car charger vs. the at home charger. If I plug in just going from point A to point B, I'll get enough boost to get through the day, the work at hand. But if I want enough power to get me through the really tough spots, the long haul, then I gotta go for the house charger, where I can plug in and stay connected for an extended time before I am fully recharged. He wants to come sit with us, hear our crap and advise us in how to make our next moves. If we only spend a blink with him daily, then we'll get to share snippets and we'll only hear tiny snippets in return... but if we take the time to spend with him in reflection (not just thrown up prayers or the Psalm I rushed through one morning) then we will reap the counsel of wisdom at it's best. Life is short, we never know when the end will come, we don't have time to play games with God. Take some time and get to know Him, it's totally worthwhile... I found so much peace and comfort in just that little bit of time.

During my time with him, I studied on revival, restoration and renewal. It's like I feel so "beat down" right now. I guess that is like opression or burdened. I feel tugged in every way. Here are some scriptures that have given me hope and some joy in this time of my life.

Psalm 80: 14-19
Return to us, O God Almighy! Look down from Heaven and see! Watch over this vine, the root your Right hand has planted, the son you have raised up for yourself. Your vine is cut down, it is burned with fire; at your rebuke your people perish. Let your hand rest on the man at your right hand, the son of man you have raised up for yourself. Then we will not turn away from you; revive us, and we will call on your name. Restore us O Lord God Almighty, make your face shine upon us, that we may be saved.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Isaiah 40: 27-31
Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Psalm 51: 10-12
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Dear Lord, please help me to remember that you and you alone can renew my heart and give me the strength I need for the day. My Diet Mtn Dew won't do it, my husband can't pull me through it, going home and being close to my family won't do it... Lord, ONLY YOU can restore a heart or revive a soul. You alone are worthy of the praise for giving me renewed energy and the grace to move through this situation and into the next phase of life. Hosanna!! Praise the God who saves, who is merciful, the light and salvation of the world. Amen.

love dares

So, it's official, I am totally out of the loop and behind the times in the Christian world.  It took me this long to see the movie Fireproof.  Here's what's so funny about that: 

Last week, I was browsing CBD (online christian bookseller) and looking at bestsellers.  I came across this book called "The Love Dare"... it's coming up on Valentine's day, I'm on a Christian website, so I'm tempted.  I gotta know what it's about.  CBD has this thing where you can read excerpts from books. Like an entire chapter before you buy.  So, I tried it out and I nearly cracked up the whole first chapter.  It was on patience.... ahhh, patience... that thing I don't really have so much of.  

I have a tendency to have something my sister and I have affectionately dubbed, "tone issues".  I will be fine, happy even, joking one minute.. and the next, it's hard to know if I'm really mad at you, very tired or just have "tone issues". Things come out bad (abrupt, a harsh tone), but I don't usually mean it. Sometimes everything I say comes out in that tone. (If I'm talking with my sister, she'll say, "Are you mad with me or do you just have "tone" today?"  That little term has helped my sister and I overcome a lot of issues with each other.  I'm also prone to apologize a lot, but I know that it's hard to take something back once it's been said.  The first dare from that chapter is to, essentially, hold your tongue.  If you can't say something nice, don't say anything.  Nothing. hahahahahah.  I broke out in rolling laughter.  That got Robbie going asking what had me so tickled and stuff. I read the chapter to him... he also busted out in laughter... then he dared me.  He said, "You couldn't do it."  That was it, I was in! 

Per the book, you are supposed to do the dares for 1 day, 24 hours, but he wanted to take it farther. He said I might not even make it a few hours.  Then he added a twist. He said if I could make it 30 days, we could buy the book and do the whole thing together. WHAT?  T-o-g-e-t-h-e-r.....for real??? Now that was truly tempting.  This is important in 2 ways:  1. We've been minding all our pennies lately and 2. Robbie is not much on reading self-improvement type books, much less together.  We've been married for a little over a year and have definitely gotten to that point where all that glitters isn't gold..... we know each other well, and the pet peaves are brewing at times.  My "tone issues" are Robbie's #1 pet peave.  I took him up on it and here we are 5 days in and I'm doing fine. It's very hard though.  I have to think about what I'm gonna say (most of the time mid-sentence) and turn my words or my tone so ends up better than I am starting out.  When I told my mom about the dare, she also burst into laughter (she had just been here over the weekend to see  our current banters first hand).  She just said, "Kim, doesn't it take 21 days to form a habit?" and then she laughed some more.  I hope she's right, maybe I could cure this issue once and for all!

We celebrated Valentine's Day last night with an experimental dinner (that he actually liked this time) and cheesecake, we watched Fireproof (finally) and I saw where The Love Dare came from and how it plays out.  I thought it would be a movie I'd have to be watching myself sometime b/c I didn't think I could get Robbie into a Christian movie that he'd stick with me through, specifically one with Kirk Cameron (oh how I love him from the 80's) given his specials on TBN that totally turn Robbie (and even me at times) off.  But, this movie was actually very well made.  It's a mushy movie that even my husband liked!  We both had tears at times.  We cheered and cheered for the couple.  I was totally impressed with this movie.  And, I'm really excited!! Cause I know I'm gonna make it 30 days and we're gonna get that book!  I might even splurge for the old leather looking one instead of the paperback!    Now, if I could only learn to turn my words before I start my sentences... 

the anatomy of surgery

Disclaimer: (This means you James) 

1.  This post is not for weak stomachs...

2.  This is a long post...sorry....it got out of hand, but I couldn't decide what to trim...

I love surgery. I got my first taste of guts and gore when I was working as a nursing assistant (CNA) in Boone, NC.  It was after college at LRC, before PA school.  For those of you who don't know, CNA's are pretty much glorified butt wipers, doing the grunt work no one else wants to do. Labor intensive chores like baths, putting people in bed or getting them up and dressed, feedings, cleanings and even (Lord, I can't believe I ever used to do this stuff)... enemas!  Nasty work, but someone had to do it and it was definitely a learning experience for me.  I had worked as a CNA in nursing homes, an ER, and, finally, in a birthing center at a local hospital.  I loved that job.  I still had to do some nasty stuff there, but most of it involved infants or cleaning up a new mama so she could be with her baby.  And that is also where I got to feel a persons "innards" for the first time.  The birthing center had their own surgical suite dedicated to c-sections.... planned or emergency. I worked night shift, so I usually saw emergencies or at least unexpected deliveries.  It was a rush.  It was crazy and, at times,  it was absolutely a mess!  But I loved it.  They took me to the OR, taught me the instruments, how to pass them, how to help the doctor, how to scrub.  My mom thought it was fun to ask me what I did at work that day until the day I answered (truthfully), "I caught the ovaries".  She didn't ask so much after that :D  

Then I came to PA school. Just in case you don't know, PA means "Physician Assistant".  In this state (NC), I can see patients, diagnose them, treat them, write medicines for them in prescriptions and all sorts of stuff. And, after a few years, I now work with a surgeon, back in the OR, except, this time, I'm  asking for the instruments, not passing them.  I help with surgery, suture ("close") from time to time, my opinion is heard, I write orders and help manage patients.  I understand more about what is going on.  And here is a truth that I have noticed in the OR.  

As you walk the halls of the operating room, you will see a lot of scrubs.  At our hospital, everyone in the OR is decked in green ones. All the same color of green. A few of them may be a "girl" style (2 lower pocket shirt, elastic waist pant) vs. a "boy" style (one pocket shirt, drawstring pant) but pretty much we all have on scrubs. We wear masks and protective eyewear, booties and caps.  It's pretty hard to tell who's who!  There are also a lot of people in the OR.  There are patients (obviously, they have on gown or are naked), nurses, scrub techs, PA's, residents, doctors, CRNA's, any variety of student from any of these groups, and OR assistants.  All varying levels of education depending on the job they do.  The patients lay on the table, the nurses chart and run the room, the CRNA's monitor the patients while they sleep, the scrub techs pass instruments, the PA/resident/student for these may scrub in to assist/help suture/hold instruments, the doctor operates and the OR assistant, well, they get the dirty work.  They clean up the beds, take specimens to pathology or the lab or mammography, they clean up the scrub spaces, they physically help move patients, then they take the trash and linens out of the room, mop and clean for the next case. They get the grunt job.  So, if we're all dressed the same and we all have the same external anatomy, how can you tell who's who????

Here's the truth I've seen in my observations:  By their words.  

Just so you know, I'm just talking about "instances" here... I'm not stereotyping each group...  Many times, I have come upon two doctors (surgeons or anesthesiologists) talking to each other about their day.  Could be their cases, could be their homelives, could be "the man".  You have to be prepared when you listen in, because you're probably gonna hear some words you don't want to hear.  The f-word comes to mind among others.  Or you'll hear someone joking about an ex-spouse or how many hours they can work in a month/how many cases they can get trying to make more money, which subdivision they plan to move into next and which private school their kids are going to. Their OR conversations are more likely than not about politics, the stock market, housing prices, etc.   The nurses, well, they are always a lot of fun.  You'll find them talking about patients usually with compassion, trying to decipher what's best.  Sometimes they gripe about "the man" but you usually don't hear so much cussing.  They are trying to finish shifts to get home to family and they talk about their families often.  Then there are the scrub techs and ORA's.  These guys are the lowest paid employees in the OR.  The scrub techs do a job that even the nurses don't do, take call like nurses, but don't get paid half what nurses get paid.  But as you walk down the halls of the OR, you will hear them encouraging each other... with scripture... with prayer... asking earnestly about each other's families....asking about church or Bible study.  They remember details about you that you forget you've even shared with them.  

The scrub techs and ORA's are the "guts" of the OR.  The doctor may be the head, directing all the hands... the nurses are the lymph nodes, cleaning up and keeping order.... the CRNA's keep the heart and lungs working... the PA's/residents are like hands and feet running here and there to help hold things in order for the doctor to do more... but the techs and ORA's, dirty as their jobs may be, are the guts.  They do work that is down and dirty at times.  They even get treated like poo from many surgeons and even PA's/residents who talk down to them or act like they don't exist or throw temper tantrums. But they are the ones who have the guts to live with a Christ-like heart. They are unafraid to speak of the love of God in the halls. There is even a transporter that tells every patient that she rolls from one area of the hospital to the other... "Have a blessed surgery."  I honestly believe that as she pushes these stretchers with patients of all sizes that she prays for them with each step.  

When I was a CNA in that birthing center, I talked about Bible studies at work.  The girls there invited me to some and I went with them and loved it.  We encouraged each other and prayed for families and sometimes even over the babies in the nursery if they had odd home situations (like abandonment or any dangers we could feel).  When I was a PA student, I led Bible studies in my house. I had scripture crammed everywhere!! I was constantly studying in different books and notebooks and I had sticky notes of scriptures to encourage me at some place in all of them (I still find them now sometimes).  I knew other students---med students and PA students who did this, too.  Many who claimed they would carry God into their practices and share God with their patients.  I wonder how many actually did?  There are occasions when I get to pray with patients or share my faith or encourage with scripture. I feel so blessed when I see those opportunities, because I know that I did not create them, I am just speaking up to fill the position that was created for me.  There are a few times that I've even discussed faith with co-workers, but that seems to be tougher.  

What opportunities has God made for you to encourage someone or for you to carry your words to someone that you may see every day or maybe even never again?  Who cares if someone is watching you as you pray for someone if the person has asked you to or finds comfort in it?  Who cares if you support a co-worker who may not be of your "class" by encouraging them with scripture or a note or even, "I'm praying for you and your family."  Who cares if you don't wear a dress and heels to church?  Who cares if you give you shirt to a homeless person? or hold hands with a drug addict?  God cares.  What has he called you to do?

John 15:15-17

"I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other."

actions speak louder than words

Robbie and I have been bored lately and trying to relax after the holidays, so we have been watching a lot of TV shows we've DVR'd for just such a day... the main show he has been recording is House, MD. Neat show, odd premise, (as always) Jeopardy, lots of Food Network programming and, recently, True Beauty.

Leave it to Ashton Kutcher to make another thought provoking show. If you haven't True Beauty, get ready for a really petty show, that is actually interesting. The show is made up of these contestants who think they are the most beautiful person in America. They think at the end of the contest they will be told which of them is the most beautiful. There are 3 judges who are judging their "beauty", but in reality, they are taking in both their physical appearance and their inner beauty. They measure the inner beauty by planting secret challenges to see how the contestants react... do they help a friend in need? do they reach out a helping hand to a stranger? would they look at other contestsants private medical files if they were left alone with them?

Watching this show, it is amazing how conceited people are, how "special" or "perfect" they believe they are. When you watch it, you'll see I mean. It just goes to show that people who think they are beautiful and perfect, really aren't. And the more you get to know them, many of them grow even uglier. Most of all, if you confront them with their flaws, they become very defensive. I was like, wow! who saw that reaction coming... this person that got eliminated even lied about looking at files (said it was hers) and when they showed proof that it wasn't, she tried to act like she was justified for looking and that it didn't matter. She was standing there disputing the importance of honesty, looking uglier and uglier as her true colors showed.

There was also an interesting moment in House. In this episode, House is in trouble with the law because of stealing prescription drugs and taking them. He goes to the prosecutor and apologizes for what he has done. It is a heartfelt apology that seems all mushy-gushy. When he is done with this seemingly heartfelt monologue, the officer says essentially, "Thanks, but I don't care what you say. What you say makes no impression. It's what you DO that impresses me."

1 John 1:5-10

God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

Actions speak louder than words. To be truly beautiful and to get your life in order means to live a life not of pride, but of humility. Lives submitted to God, in his will, following his order and rules. Without Christ, we could not be truly beautiful, we would still have a huge weight of sin. If pointing out a flaw makes you erupt like a volcano, you probably have some work to do (and that includes me, I don't like being told I'm wrong). If you don't know the love of Christ, then you can pray a prayer asking him to come into your heart as you submit to his ways and believe in Him.

I once was lost, but now I'm found... Thank you, Lord!

Merry Christmas everyone!! I hope you have a very blessed day with your families and a blessed new year, too!!!

for the Love of Christmas...

I love Christmas and all that it brings.... family, friends, Christmas music, presents (no matter how big or small), food, Christmas trees, ornaments I've had since my childhood, my grandmother's nativity set which was made by my great-grandmother... what is there not to love! Oh, and I can't forget Christmas movies... no matter how cheesy they are!!

I was watching one of my favorite "standards" this time of year last night with a friend, Miracle on 34th Street. Wonderful, wonderful movie. As I've seen in several other cheesy movies this year, there is a little girl in the movie who no longer believes in Santa. Santa.. the guy who spreads joy to all on Christmas. A guy tries to rationalize with this little girl, "What if there really is a Santa and you don't believe in him? What if you are really missing out? Wouldn't it be better to hope, than to not believe at all?" Each time I've heard similar lines in these movies, all I can see is Christ. There is such a close connection in the way we relate to Santa. For example, Santa's story is quite unbelievable in many ways. You know, the North Pole, flying reindeer, magical sacks of toys, chimneys, traveling around the world in one night... So is Jesus's story if you think about it: Born of a virgin, the son of God in human form, 1/3 of a holy trinity, he could heal people with a word and raise the dead (Lazarus) and come back from the dead himself to ascend to his heavenly throne.  Here's some scripture I came across this morning:

Luke 18:15-17

People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."

We take our kids to Santa to reinforce their faith in him, to give them something concrete to bolster their belief in him. Sometimes we take them to hear what they tell Santa, but most parents I know, already know what the kid plans to tell Santa. But we take them, to "prove" Santa is real. Do we do the same with Jesus? This goes with both the children and ourselves. Do we read the Christmas story one night during all the festivities out of obligation?  What do we do daily to prove to ourselves Jesus is real? "Now faith is the being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1). What are we doing to bolster our own faith?

How can we prove to ourselves Jesus is real? This is what I think (and this is my opinion... you can try it for yourself and see if you think it works or not). When it all boils down to the nitty gritty, God is love. He is the epitome of it. The Bible speaks of faith, hope and love, these three abide, but the greatest of them is LOVE (see 1 Cor 13:13). His whole plan and purpose is Love. In Mark 12, Jesus is asked the question,

"Of all the commandments, which is the most important?". "The most important," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

So, the best way I've found to reinforce my faith in Jesus (and hopefully to spread that faith to others like an airborne infection) is to praise God for all that he has blessed me with-- salvation, new life through him, forgiveness of sins, redemption (worth and value), an inkling of understanding of what love truly is, etc-- and to share with others out of the overflow of love he has poured into my heart. It may not be a monetary gift, but just giving of your time or your skills can be an unbelievable gift of Love to someone this Christmas. Show them you love them, that they are worth loving and that someone out there cares for them..... whether they are family, friends, acquaintances or even strangers.... It may be the gift that sparks their own faith that God is real and worth believing in, a gift that changes a heart for eternity.

Merry Christmas, Blessed New Year!!

things I'm thankful for...

At church last Sunday, the pastor gave his Thanksgiving sermon... he used a passage from Deuteronomy that got me thinking... He preached on Deut 8: 7-10, I'm gonna use Deut 8:7-14. Here is what I heard/how I interpret these scripture (please, for the "real deal" on these, click the link for the verses and see how you would take them).

My take on Deut 8:7-14
"The Lord your God has brought you through a heck of a lot and now he has brought you to a good place. A place of peace, rest, plenty. You will have everything you need here and will have no use for 'want'. When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the blessings and goodness he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the Lord you God, failing to follow his commands, walking in his ways as are described in his Word. Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied and build fine houses and settle down and you have plenty of money and all you have is multiplied, then your hear will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God who brought you out of your slavery..."

What a love smack! I totally needed that. When I think about the Lord and where he has brought me from, I am amazed. I don't mean poverty wise or anything like that. I had all I needed growing up. I mean the dark valleys and the slavery that I found myself in, many times through my personal choices... choices that were usually made out of my "want". For example, there was a time when I didn't think being single was good enough, so I went seeking a relationship anywhere I could find it. Of course they all failed. Of course I was disappointed. But why? I already had all that I would need. God was there for me, he was teaching me lessons in how to trust him, lean on him. He knew that when I met Robbie and we got married that within our marriage Robbie could not be my "everything", that I would still need to come to him for guidance, so he taught me that while I was single.

If we apply this to America in general, especially in our current financial state, we can make another example. It wasn't/isn't good enough to live within the means of what we had... smaller houses with low payments, cars that are paid for, jobs that pay decently. Instead, out of our "want" we take loans bigger than we can afford, inflate the prices of our homes, and buy new or newer cars consistently. We end up indebted to others out of our "want" or a sense of "need" created by envy or what we see others have around us. I think a perfect example of this is when people come visit our house. We have a 3 bed room house with an unfinished bonus room. Robbie has an office here that is in one of the bed rooms. Many times, when people come to visit, including some family members, they say, "Well, you'll need a bigger house when you have kids." For one, how many kids do they think we'll have? I mean, I'm 31. and for two, are you kidding? Our parents raised 2 kids in 3 bedroom houses and we turned out fine. (We'll still have 3 BR if we finish the bonus room). We have all the room that we need. God has provided for us. And if he somehow provides us with more than 2 kids, then I'm sure he'll provide us with another home. One within our means.

So, enough rambling. I am very very thankful this Thanksgiving. We have a home, vehicles that run, a large meal to eat today (and then more this weekend), we'll have a Christmas tree. Robbie doesn't have another job/contract yet, but I know God will provide. Our Christmas may be "skimpy" this year, but these holidays are not about monetary gifts or trivial items to spend money on. The greatest gifts we'll get over these holidays are gifts of time with our family and loved ones. Quality, not quantity. We're all healthy, and we have each other. If God sent his son here as an example of Love, then we should extend that love to those around us. Here's a good list of things to be thankful for this holiday and to ponder coming into the Christmas season:

Isaiah 9

Unto Us a Child Is Born

1 Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress. In the past he humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the future he will honor Galilee of the Gentiles, by the way of the sea, along the Jordan-

2 The people walking in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death
a light has dawned.

3 You have enlarged the nation
and increased their joy;
they rejoice before you
as people rejoice at the harvest,
as men rejoice
when dividing the plunder.

4 For as in the day of Midian's defeat,
you have shattered
the yoke that burdens them,
the bar across their shoulders,
the rod of their oppressor.

5 Every warrior's boot used in battle
and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
will be fuel for the fire.

6 For unto us a child is born,
unto us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful,
Counselor,
Mighty God,
Everlasting Father,
Prince of Peace.

7 Of the increase of his government and peace
there will be no end.
He will reign on David's throne
and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty
will accomplish this.

Without these words... this prophecy... and it's completion, I would have no knowledge of true Love and it's meaning in my life.. no way of understanding the full measure of grace or mercy... no way of knowing what it truly means to be humble or Thankful.

Lord, help us not forget the source of our blessings...

stuck in my genes

Disclaimer: this is a very personal blog and I am feeling kinda vulnerable with this one, so bear with me, even the length.

I was feeling fat, miserable and tired over the past weekend after doing some shopping with my mom and eating at the Olive Garden. When I got home, I desperately wanted nothing more than to get out of my jeans and into my PJ's! But, nonetheless, I was trying to go to fast and I got my jeans stuck down around my feet. I couldn't get them off. I was laughing to myself about this situation and I thought, "Yep, here I am, stuck in my jeans."

I go through these moments, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, of feeling bad about myself. Not who I am deep down, but who I am on the outside and how the 2 match up. I struggle with my weight. I have struggled with it pretty much my entire life. When I think about dieting and such, I always think of my Grandma Ruth who seemed to be eternally on Weight Watchers and I think, "Well, it's just my genes."

You know what, I'm tired of being stuck in my GENES. My dad yo-yo's weight, my mom, stepmom, sister.... me? I'm just big and stay big. But either way, I'm still stuck in my ways. Bad habits that don't ever seem to change. I think about it sometimes when I'm on the way to the halfway house to lead the women in a recovery home for addictions how they must feel when they look at me... clearly addicted myself and stuck in a habit/comfort that I have no true desire to escape from. If I had a true desire, then I would have changed it by now.

Here is my crazy internal dialogue: "I want to lose 60 lbs (well, 80 after going to the doctor this week and facing his scales).. I'm going to start on Monday morning by getting up early before work to go for a brisk walk... 60 lbs is a lot, maybe I should just try 30... But it's so much work to take weight off... I could do it if someone would do it with me... maybe if I joined a gym?... today is just too busy to go for a walk... i can do it on Monday, but Tuesday I have conference at 7a.m. and then a full day of clinic/charts... have you felt the temperature outside at 5:30A?... it's even getting cooler/darker early in the evening... Harley (big neighborhood dog) lives down there, I had better cut that walk short to avoid him... I'll just do a video in the house... what if Robbie sees me?... Who has $40/month for Weight Watchers and $30 a month for a gym membership?... I just feel silly..."

But outside, I just look silly. Inside, I feel confident and tough in most situations, most days. When I think of how I look (even when I dream) I don't see the "fat" me. I only see "me". I've done this for 31 years (probably 21 of which I have been aware of my weight/appearance). Now I'm married and we're thinking about having kids. I don't want to worry about diabetes or living long enough to see my kids graduate from high school. I don't want to pack on 50 lbs of pregnancy weight and have no idea what to do with it. Chinese food can not be good for pregnant people.... just one more thing to give up when the time comes. I don't want my kids to pick up the same habits that I have taken upon myself. It's a curse that I don't want them to ever know or battle.
Exodus 34:5-9

Then the Lord came down in a cloud and stood there with him and proclaimed his name, the Lord. And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation." Moses bowed to the ground at once and worshiped. "O Lord, if I have found favor in your eyes," he said, "then let the Lord go with us. Although this is a stiff-necked people, forgive our wickedness and our sin, and take us as your inheritance."

Frankly, I'm tired of it. I'm ready to break my curse. It's a sin of gluttony and laziness I have wrapped around myself for years. Please, Lord, forgive me for my ignorance, for ignoring my own addictions, for using food to comfort me when YOU ALONE are my comfort. You keep telling me, "My grace is suffient for you" and maybe now I'm just catching on! Help me to recognize the bad patterns and habits in my life and give me the strength to overpower them. Help me to find YOU as the easiest choice/place to go when I have issues. Praise you Lord, for your infinite wisdom and power. You have me in the palm of your hand, Lord. Help me never to forget that you are with me.

I am asking/praying publicly for God's support. That's all it takes. His part will be taken care of. He will be there for me. I wholeheartedly believe that. But, I don't want to let him down. It's a 2 way street. He will be there for me, but I have to make the choices to reach out for him and not brownies. Maybe with your help/support, knowing you guys are reading and watching me, I can stay accountable and really follow through. It will be hard with the holidays coming (I mean, have you eaten at my Mom's house? Mama can COOK! There are endless goodies when I go to family's houses, not to mention Robbie's mom!). But I want a change. I need a change. There is no pill that can help (before you fight me on this, it might help for a few months, but unless I change my ways, I'll gain it back and then some). There is no person that can change me. There is no product I can buy that will clean me up like a virus scan and take out all the bugs. The only thing I can do is vow to make a change and follow through. The only way I can do that is with God on my side, some very earnest prayer and some awesome prayer partners to help me in this battle!!!

Mary, the mother of Jesus, in her "magnificat" says about the nature of God, "My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on, generations will call me blessed, for the mighty one has done great things for me--holy is his name. His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation." (Luke 1: 46-50) If I can get this under control with the help of God, break this nasty tradition of sorts, then I can share that mercy with my children and hopefully they could take it to their children.

I can't be the only one dealing with my "genes". What pattern are you stuck in? Unhealthy lifestyle like me? Unhealthy relationships? Unhealthy med uses? Misuses of alcohol or using cigarettes to sway your anxiety? Food, drugs, sex, false intimacy, alcohol, cigarettes, TV addiction, movies/fantasies... none of them will make you feel better. If you want a true change, cry out to God. He alone is the breaker of generational issues. The only one who can restore you back to who you are on the inside.
Psalm 145: 2-7

Every day I will praise you
and extol your name for ever and ever.
Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
his greatness no one can fathom.
One generation will commend your works to another;
they will tell of your mighty acts.
They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and I will meditate on your wonderful works.
They will tell of the power of your awesome works,
and I will proclaim your great deeds.
They will celebrate your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

Click here to read all of Psalm 145 (I highly recommend it) Thank you (in advance) for your prayer and support. I'll keep you posted on how things go.

Decision 2008

Now that the election is over, I have a grumble I want to bring up: voting a "straight ticket".... You know, filling in the circle for your presidential choice and one other box, the one for your party. All the other circles are automatically filled in for you. I have heard of this practice before. I have seen it demonstrated to the people in line to vote in the form of a "sample" ballot. And, this year, I even heard a woman behind me in line telling her daughter how to vote. "You check the box next to your choice for president and then you check the box next to the ______ party. Then hand it in."

I have a problem with straight party voting. I also have a problem with someone telling another person, especially their adult child, how they are "expected" to vote. We all have a choice to vote and how to do it. It's a personal decision (one I haven't even shared with my husband). In my opinion, voting a straight ticket is like saying only the presidential vote matters or that you only care about "your party". But there may be people within the party you may never agree with in a hundred years. It's like "un-informed voting". You know nothing about them except they are in "the party" you think you support.

There are many people out there who do this with their faith, too. There are many people out there (I used to do this, too) who claim to be a Christian and say, "I vote my morals" or "I have my morals" but they really are uninformed or misinformed about the true nature of Christ and you surely can't see much of God in them. They aren't really sure what the party stands for at all, they just think they do or want others to think they do. If they don't know the foundation of their faith/"morals", then how can they be sure they truly could stand behind their faith when it really counts? If you have only been a "Christian" because your mama and daddy and granddaddy and great-granddaddy were, then you are missing out and mis-informed.

There are some very important foundational issues you really should learn about and make sure you agree with them. There is one great thing about voting on the Christian Ticket. You can get real answers from the candidate himself...personally. He'll come to you wherever you are because you are that important to him. See Jeremiah 33:3--"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things which you do not know". These are answers that have stood the test of time. The answers never change from one situation to the next. It is an everlasting truth and you can find it for yourself in almost every library or bookstore or hotel room. If you want to know more about Christ or the character of God... a person you can truly put your confidence in to run your everyday life, then open a Bible and take it in. If you want to boost your knowledge base, pray for him to reveal himself to you. Pray for those around you. Pray for your nation. Do his works/service in your community. He can use his Word, other people and circumstances to reveal himself. You can get a new dose of him everyday.... new encouragement, life lessons, strength, comfort, new insights, compassion, grace, forgiveness, restoration, rest.. and the list goes on and on and on. Either way, this could be your Decision 2008 that makes biggest headline in your personal history, and you don't have to be 18 to be eligible to vote.

So, there's my election soap box. Hope it isn't too offensive. I would love to hear your comments/thoughts. I would love to discuss foundations or help answer questions if you are reading this blog and don't know where to start.

speedbumps?

"I will wait for you, Jesus. You're the sun in my horizon..... all my hope's in you, Jesus, I can see you now, arising...." Thank you, Jason Upton, for the stunning illumination.

I have been "navel gazing" this week. Thinking about myself. Thinking about how my plans are being thwarted lately by the world. Things happen. You have to "roll with the punches", and sometimes I'm better at it than others. I remembered the verse that says, "even the darkness is light to you" (Psalms). Last night I started to put it all together. There are a lot of metaphors in the Bible, and even more in the words of earlier Christian writers. Symbol after symbol. When I see the word "sun", particularly in the New Testament, sometimes I like to substitute the word "Son" and see if it still makes sense, or sometimes, even more sense. I was praying the other night and this Jason Upton song came up on my iPod with the words as noted above. I couldn't help but substitute. I like the symbol of the Son as the sun. It makes him truly illuminating.

"Even the darkness is light to you" because the Son is just past the horizon, reflecting light off the moon. The son is hope. The sun brings a new day. I see you on the horizon. My hope is in the horizon.... a new day, given by the SON, not made by me. Given in time HE created, not me. I have no control of time, only what I do with the time I have. I have no control of the timing of events or situations in my life, only what I do with the situations I am given as they are given.

We get disappointed when we don't get our way. Even when we think our hearts are in the right place, our hopes can be misplaced in "the plan" and not "in the son". The only hope to be found is in the Son. We lose the glory in the situation when we cease to see that we are not the author of the dawn and we can not illuminate the darkness ourselves. Everything we do will fall short of the glory of God.

Matthew 5:44-45 "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."

justly justifying justice

I've been helping some girls with a Bible study lately. Well, they're women, not girls. While I was there the other night, we ran into one of those confusing and wordy passages in a new testament letter from Paul. We were talking about "justification" vs. "justice". Here's the passage, Romans 3:22-26:

This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.

The lesson was discussing how even though we have sinned, God has forgiven us. There is no "penance" to be paid for the rest of our lives. He says he forgave us, so he forgave us. That's God's grace, that's "justification". God looks at us as though we have never sinned and all that stuff in the past is forgotten. It won't ever be thrown back in our faces. The battle then becomes an inward one. We have to forgive ourselves and move on. This idea of justification was being compared to "justice" which is, briefly, "fairness". Each day you hear "what's fair is fair" or "an eye for an eye" or "he/she doesn't deserve to be treated any better". Someone hurts you, so you hurt them back or withhold something from them in an effort to hurt them back. And you feel as if you are "justified" by your actions because you have been hurt. But what about that is "justified"? What about your personal vengeance or payback makes you look at the other person as though they have never hurt you? Nothing. Justification and being "justified" is not something that we can give to ourselves or to others. We can only pray and ask for God to provide the justice we need (including our own forgiveness). He alone can justify a situation or bring it into perspective.